vineri, 1 august 2008

the pursuit of happiness

it's been a while since my last post.

i'll try to write my posts in English from now on, as a response to one of my friend's (an most probably my only reader) request. well, this friend of mine is the reason of this post in the first place. we're miles away, still we keep contact and talk about all imaginable things. my discussions with him usually start from weather and flowers, and go into deep waters, leaving us both with subjects to think of over night.

one of my last discussion with him started from a light talk about our sad jobs and ended with a dispute about the ever-present conflict: existentialism - determinism. although i have all the respect about his ideas and his intelligence, my existentialist nature rejects all idea of determinism in life. no matter if this idea is related to religion, nature, social environment, values, personal relations or anything else that could be brought into discussion as a justification for our actions at one point in life.

i truly believe in free will, and that human beings are the only responsible for the way their life goes. every single action we take is a matter of choice. we define our own concept of happiness, our own values, our own notions of good and bad. we set our limits to our freedom. our whole existence depends on the choices we make, and once you realize that there's no turning back.

accepting this responsibility is one of the greatest challenges in life, and realizing its whole dimensions can be the most dreadful thing one has to accept in the entire life. still, once we accept that, and the fact that this life is the only one we have and it depends only on us to find a meaning for it, it's only up to us to leave in the pursuit of happiness.

of course, happiness is a relative concept. i find it in the small things that make my spirit lift every day (either a painting or sculpture or a stain of color, either rocking and rolling on the music, an interesting chat with an witty friend, finding a brand new love in a man or woman, reviving the old love for my husband, reading a good book, finding a new idea... ). i have to achieve happiness from small things, until i will find my true meaning in life (if i ever will, if not, these small things would still worth living).

i made it a personal purpose to take the best of this life and search so many of these moments as i can.

of course, this is not always easy. i have (long) moments of dread and doubt, when i lose my meaning and hate my limits. if i get overwhelmed by dread sometimes, the reason is that i feel like losing precious time by getting trapped in daily meaningless activities, losing sight of my purpose. this is why my pursuit of happiness seems a lot like despair some times.

but these are just moments.. i leave them behind and get back on my road.

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